10.30.2007
THE CRAZED
Parachuting from the sky this week: special guest Halloween enthusiast Dave Tompkins.
As We Were Deteriorating
My brother and 11-year old niece at dinner.
“My stupid friend Eugene likes zombies. He wants zombies to take over the world.”
“I've been in a zombie state all week.”
“Not those zombies.”
“We beat Zombie State last year in the playoffs.”
“I mean he likes dead rotting people walking around with dirt in their teeth.”
“We buried their offense.”
“Daaaad!!”
“They had a running back …”
“You should get up from the table and slowly walk away from your weirdness.”
“His name was Eldritch Von Bonehammer.”
Worst Case Scenario
Friendly zombie paratrooper drops in on afternoon worm dig. The plop plop of maggots from heaven. Kid looks up. Zombie waves.
But the other trailer. Beyond the uh-oh tremolo, bombs, the World Cup schnurbartbinde and the hotdogs.
Ballpark stitching! Machine shop fingers! Two-faced facemeltness! Groaning foghorns! Cereal bowl in a puddle!
Sgt. Schultz with a Talk Box tube?
Which one crashed through that nylon beach chair?
Von Bonehammer? That you?
And the radioman doing a wounded version of The Snake? He who set up the transmitter on the beach in Holland that intercepted and unscrambled all those Churchill calls. What is on his back? Squidpack. Help. Yeichs.
If this doesn’t win best costuming, I’ll eat my neighbors.
MC A.D.E., "How Much Can You Take"
Two scary things that happened to MC A.D.E.
1.) Ran away from a group home in Jacksonville, got lost in the moonless woods, got an earful from the tree frogs, bummed a Yoo Hoo and walked to his grandma’s in Jeckyll Island, Georgia, where the armadillos are not shy.
(Note: Creature From The Black Lagoon is from Jacksonville.)
2.) Was surrounded by little kids with machine guns in Rio, who demanded his video camera which contained footage of him performing “Bass Mechanic” in a rioting soccer stadium and on Pele’s ex-wife’s TV show—before she was kidnapped. To his credit (and insanity), the Bass Mechanic didn’t give up the camera because it belonged to his girlfriend. (“I didn’t want to hear that mouth when I got back home!”) The interpreter wasn’t available for negotiations because he was around the corner shooting at the police.
Luke and Lil Jon, "Head Tonight"
Okay, real quick:
Halloween is orange
Miami is orange.
Bass is sustained decay.
Zombies are sustained decay.
Miami is sustenance decadence
Miami: Dead men vote.
(Sustained decoy!)
Zombies put people in office.
(Sustain do what???)
Maggots are sustained decay.
Maggotron makes Bass.
Zombies like Maggotron records.
Orange peels go in the compost.
Compost is Bass.
Bass is biodegradable.
Soil needs zombies.
Bass wakes worms.
Worms wake zombies.
Dredgers woke the fossils.
Don’t bury me in the Orange Bowl.
“Dude, it’s like photosynthesis!”
Hallow can you go?
More on this later. I’m a little rusty (Wait! Oxidization?)
Whodini, "Nasty Lady (Dub)"
This is how it all went down, according to Whodini’s “Haunted House Of Rock”:
Girl shows up at a party as Frankenstein’s monster’s date. She is Tesla Lancaster in opera gloves. Her hair is teased out by some hellion of voltage that curses darkness.
(“YOU STUPID DARKNESS!!!” once yelled the indelicate Lucy Van Pelt, ice skating in a comic strip.)
One of the guys from Whodini, the one in white leather shorts, asks her name. Frankenstein’s monster says, Voodoo-On-A-Stick*. We take him at his word though he speaks through a hotwired larynx. Not the most articulate cat in the room.
This is immaterial to Ms. On-A-Stick. She leaves the party hanging on a dead man’s stolen arm (“You big lug!”) and Whodini is left standing around the punch bowl, wondering if the Invisible Man got in for free.
(This happens in the song. I’m not prevaricating.)
Meanwhile Karloff coughs up the black cat of all hairballs. Homunculus mucous!
(Okay, now we’re prevaricating.)
And Lorre rolled his eyeballs down the hallway.
And, in the name of stolen parts, somebody should do something about Whodini’s “Haunted Version.”
But the question that’s eating you: Was Voodoo-On-A-Stick also the Nasty Lady?
Check out “Nasty Lady.” Drum machine is Lurch repeatedly bumping his forehead on a doorframe. When the guy in white leather shorts asks How many of y’all know nasty ladies, it’s the nasty ladies who answer, screeching on behalf of their dates—assuring they’d known no better. It was the late Kraftwerk engineer Conny Plank who put extra decay on that screech, while in a castle in Germany.
We’re really impressed with how that screech carries itself.
It’s enough to make the man in white leather shorts sorry he even asked. (“My God! All y’all know nasty ladies!”).
But, as Samuel R. Delaney once said, “There are times when helling and yelling won’t fill the lack.”
*Years ago, someone spent the better part of the afternoon talking to Whodini in a doublewide trailer in Central Park, trying to learn more about Voodoo-On-A-Stick. The one with the twin just shrugged. “You know! Like Voodoo-On-A-Stick!” Then someone struck up the chorus for the Vocoder Version of “Haunted House of Rock” and Whodini joined in. (Moat throats for all.) Back out on stage, things got even weirder. Biz Markie lost his shirt and stood there itching the back of his head with a microphone. The crowd was helping him through the second verse of “Just A Friend.”
Bonus Quiz:
In which movie did:
Bill Pullman inhale Goofer Dust and hallucinate a hand crawling out of his bowl of butternut squash soup?
Martin Landau run over a mailman with a laundry truck after escaping from a sanitarium with Jack Palance?
Martians try to accelerate the process of evolution and telepathically project giant grasshopper images across the London skies?
Bela Lugosi braid his goatee?
A shock-headed ghoul stick tarot cards in the spokes of his bicycle and pedal down a dirt road at night, his bony knees akimbo?
Marine biologists in Jacksonville try to de-gill the Gillman and stick him in a khaki pantsuit?
Vincent Price say: “I broke down and screamed didn’t I? I couldn’t help it Dave. Things were pretty foggy.”
Last Wish:
That someone would get off their inflatable stadium donut and do a proper film adaptation of George R.R. Martin’s “Sandkings.”
As We Were Deteriorating
My brother and 11-year old niece at dinner.
“My stupid friend Eugene likes zombies. He wants zombies to take over the world.”
“I've been in a zombie state all week.”
“Not those zombies.”
“We beat Zombie State last year in the playoffs.”
“I mean he likes dead rotting people walking around with dirt in their teeth.”
“We buried their offense.”
“Daaaad!!”
“They had a running back …”
“You should get up from the table and slowly walk away from your weirdness.”
“His name was Eldritch Von Bonehammer.”
Worst Case Scenario
Friendly zombie paratrooper drops in on afternoon worm dig. The plop plop of maggots from heaven. Kid looks up. Zombie waves.
But the other trailer. Beyond the uh-oh tremolo, bombs, the World Cup schnurbartbinde and the hotdogs.
Ballpark stitching! Machine shop fingers! Two-faced facemeltness! Groaning foghorns! Cereal bowl in a puddle!
Sgt. Schultz with a Talk Box tube?
Which one crashed through that nylon beach chair?
Von Bonehammer? That you?
And the radioman doing a wounded version of The Snake? He who set up the transmitter on the beach in Holland that intercepted and unscrambled all those Churchill calls. What is on his back? Squidpack. Help. Yeichs.
If this doesn’t win best costuming, I’ll eat my neighbors.
MC A.D.E., "How Much Can You Take"
Two scary things that happened to MC A.D.E.
1.) Ran away from a group home in Jacksonville, got lost in the moonless woods, got an earful from the tree frogs, bummed a Yoo Hoo and walked to his grandma’s in Jeckyll Island, Georgia, where the armadillos are not shy.
(Note: Creature From The Black Lagoon is from Jacksonville.)
2.) Was surrounded by little kids with machine guns in Rio, who demanded his video camera which contained footage of him performing “Bass Mechanic” in a rioting soccer stadium and on Pele’s ex-wife’s TV show—before she was kidnapped. To his credit (and insanity), the Bass Mechanic didn’t give up the camera because it belonged to his girlfriend. (“I didn’t want to hear that mouth when I got back home!”) The interpreter wasn’t available for negotiations because he was around the corner shooting at the police.
Luke and Lil Jon, "Head Tonight"
Okay, real quick:
Halloween is orange
Miami is orange.
Bass is sustained decay.
Zombies are sustained decay.
Miami is sustenance decadence
Miami: Dead men vote.
(Sustained decoy!)
Zombies put people in office.
(Sustain do what???)
Maggots are sustained decay.
Maggotron makes Bass.
Zombies like Maggotron records.
Orange peels go in the compost.
Compost is Bass.
Bass is biodegradable.
Soil needs zombies.
Bass wakes worms.
Worms wake zombies.
Dredgers woke the fossils.
Don’t bury me in the Orange Bowl.
“Dude, it’s like photosynthesis!”
Hallow can you go?
More on this later. I’m a little rusty (Wait! Oxidization?)
Whodini, "Nasty Lady (Dub)"
This is how it all went down, according to Whodini’s “Haunted House Of Rock”:
Girl shows up at a party as Frankenstein’s monster’s date. She is Tesla Lancaster in opera gloves. Her hair is teased out by some hellion of voltage that curses darkness.
(“YOU STUPID DARKNESS!!!” once yelled the indelicate Lucy Van Pelt, ice skating in a comic strip.)
One of the guys from Whodini, the one in white leather shorts, asks her name. Frankenstein’s monster says, Voodoo-On-A-Stick*. We take him at his word though he speaks through a hotwired larynx. Not the most articulate cat in the room.
This is immaterial to Ms. On-A-Stick. She leaves the party hanging on a dead man’s stolen arm (“You big lug!”) and Whodini is left standing around the punch bowl, wondering if the Invisible Man got in for free.
(This happens in the song. I’m not prevaricating.)
Meanwhile Karloff coughs up the black cat of all hairballs. Homunculus mucous!
(Okay, now we’re prevaricating.)
And Lorre rolled his eyeballs down the hallway.
And, in the name of stolen parts, somebody should do something about Whodini’s “Haunted Version.”
But the question that’s eating you: Was Voodoo-On-A-Stick also the Nasty Lady?
Check out “Nasty Lady.” Drum machine is Lurch repeatedly bumping his forehead on a doorframe. When the guy in white leather shorts asks How many of y’all know nasty ladies, it’s the nasty ladies who answer, screeching on behalf of their dates—assuring they’d known no better. It was the late Kraftwerk engineer Conny Plank who put extra decay on that screech, while in a castle in Germany.
We’re really impressed with how that screech carries itself.
It’s enough to make the man in white leather shorts sorry he even asked. (“My God! All y’all know nasty ladies!”).
But, as Samuel R. Delaney once said, “There are times when helling and yelling won’t fill the lack.”
*Years ago, someone spent the better part of the afternoon talking to Whodini in a doublewide trailer in Central Park, trying to learn more about Voodoo-On-A-Stick. The one with the twin just shrugged. “You know! Like Voodoo-On-A-Stick!” Then someone struck up the chorus for the Vocoder Version of “Haunted House of Rock” and Whodini joined in. (Moat throats for all.) Back out on stage, things got even weirder. Biz Markie lost his shirt and stood there itching the back of his head with a microphone. The crowd was helping him through the second verse of “Just A Friend.”
Bonus Quiz:
In which movie did:
Bill Pullman inhale Goofer Dust and hallucinate a hand crawling out of his bowl of butternut squash soup?
Martin Landau run over a mailman with a laundry truck after escaping from a sanitarium with Jack Palance?
Martians try to accelerate the process of evolution and telepathically project giant grasshopper images across the London skies?
Bela Lugosi braid his goatee?
A shock-headed ghoul stick tarot cards in the spokes of his bicycle and pedal down a dirt road at night, his bony knees akimbo?
Marine biologists in Jacksonville try to de-gill the Gillman and stick him in a khaki pantsuit?
Vincent Price say: “I broke down and screamed didn’t I? I couldn’t help it Dave. Things were pretty foggy.”
Last Wish:
That someone would get off their inflatable stadium donut and do a proper film adaptation of George R.R. Martin’s “Sandkings.”
Labels: TOMPKINS
